Missing

I miss you when I wake up. I open my eyes and find the ceiling staring at me questioningly. It wordlessly asks me where you are. I don’t know what to say. I just get up and away from its stare.
I miss you when I walk. The city buzzes around me; a fugue of cars and people’s noises. Every street light, every pavement, every window of every building asks me where you are, but I don’t know what to say. I just go a little faster and leave their voices behind.
I miss you when the night falls. My pillow whispers to me while I try to fall asleep. It wonders where you are. And I don’t know what to say, so I just try to ignore it and welcome sleep when it comes.
I miss you when it rains. The rain sings to me, caresses the streets, the rooftops, the trees and the frightened birds like confused violins. It asks me where you are, and I have no idea what to say. I just shut the windows.
I miss you when it’s sunny. The sun looks down on me, and demands to know where you are. I really don’t know what to say. I just look away, with tears in my eyes.
I miss you when I’m surrounded by people. Their voices tell me one thing, but their presence quite another. It’s the same question: Where are you? I have nothing to say. I just turn around and leave.
I miss you when I am alone. Free from the wonderment of everything else, I can hear my own questioning. Myself asks me where you are. And there really is nothing to say. But I cannot get away from myself. I cannot leave me behind. I cannot look away or turn around or shut me out.

And I remind them all that it’s not that I can’t, that I won’t or even that I shouldn’t look for you - and I truly, really shouldn’t look for you. It’s just that I can’t, I won’t and I shall not find you. Because you cannot find what does not exist.

They don’t understand. I don’t, either.
And so I keep missing you. Unreasonably, inexcusably, and pointlessly, as well as undeniably…

…I miss you…