I was born and raised in fear, taught by experience to fear the most the person that I was physically wired to trust and love the most. A rather befuddling beginning which probably messed up my emotional world beyond repair.Constant fear creates a very specific, cloudy kind of state of mind, like you've been sucked in a vortex of anxiety, unable to find anything solid to hold on to. This helpless blurriness has been a permanent companion of mine most of my life. Even after the original cause of my continuous fear was lifted, it was impossible to be calm for more than a period of time. Fear, strong and disproportionate, would creep up my spine every now and then, and all I could do was expect it, endure it, and try to get past it faster than the previous time. Damage control, in other words.
This is how things have been for me more or less. Until very recently, that is.
I'm not sure when it happened, but it did. I changed. I had been trying to make a big, sudden change for so long, that I missed my slow but steady one. Through small, everyday choices, that were both difficult and right, I managed to shape myself into something close to what I want for myself. It's been difficult, it's been frustrating, and most of all it's taken an incredibly long time. It feels as if I've been trying to shape a rock using only the waves of the sea.And now I'm not afraid anymore. I'm not afraid of life or death. I'm not afraid of failure, disappointment or injustice. I'm not afraid of fear, and that is, ultimately, what being brave is all about.
The last clouds of delusions and illusions have cleared. The childish need for acceptance and approval is all but gone. The childish need for the belief that there's any place, situation or relationship that provides security has evaporated. I'm no longer embarrassed of my mistakes or my lack of knowledge. My old soul no longer feels trapped in my young body. They've found a way to coexist.I'm finally grateful for what I have and what I am. I'm also grateful for my abilities.
And I have finally come to terms with the fact that no one can tell me what can and can't, what will and won't happen; no one can tell me what I can and can't, what I will and won't achieve. I'll take my chances, I'll take my responsibilities. Every success and every failure will be mine and only mine. I'll do my best, and then I'll do even better. I'll milk life dry and suck the marrow from it's bones until there's nothing left. No opportunity will pass unexploited. No possibility will pass unexplored.My ideals, my dreams, my hopes, my reason, my self-awareness... these are my powers and my weapons. And make no mistake, it's war I'm facing. A war that I have declared against mediocrity, defeatism, self-pity and everything and everyone else that prevents me from evolving, from becoming all I can become.
This conscious change is my turning point, an inflection point on the curve of my function. I'm neither solid nor liquid nor gas any more; I'm at my triple point, the temperature and pressure at which these three phases of me coexist in perfect thermodynamic equilibrium. I'm more than matter, more than energy. I'm an integral spirit, free, unbound and unbindable.I'm finally on my way to meet my full potential.
I'm New.
